Desire differences in couples: what researchers have studied

What happens when one partner wants sex more often than the other? Researchers call it sexual desire discrepancy, and the surveys show it is common. In Britain's third national sex survey, Natsal-3, about a quarter of people with a partner reported an imbalance in interest. That was 23.4% of men and 27.4% of women. Far fewer, about 1 in 10, said they were distressed about their sex life.

What helps is much less settled. In 2020 the European Society for Sexual Medicine (ESSM) published a position statement on desire discrepancy. It says a difference in desire is "not a clinical condition" and that "no evidence-based treatment" for it exists. Therapies for low desire itself have some trial evidence, mostly in women treated on their own. The label above rates approaches aimed at desire differences between partners.

What do researchers mean by a desire difference?

Mark, in a 2015 review, defines sexual desire discrepancy as a mismatch in desire between two partners. Mark calls it "a common experience at one time or another" in long-term relationships. The ESSM describes it as relative and dyadic, meaning it belongs to the couple, not to one person. The ESSM also argues against treating the partner with higher desire as the standard for the other.

Two ideas about desire come up often in this research. In 2000, Basson proposed a model of women's sexual response. In it, desire can be responsive, prompted by motivations such as wanting closeness, rather than coming first. Her model was written about women. Sex educator Emily Nagoski later popularized the terms "spontaneous" and "responsive" desire in her book Come as You Are.

The second idea is sexual communal strength, studied by Muise, Impett and colleagues. It means how motivated a person is to meet a partner's sexual needs.

What have the studies found?

The national survey data are the firmest numbers. Natsal-3, published in The Lancet in 2013, drew on a random sample of 15,162 people aged 16 to 74. Beyond the quarter reporting an imbalance, it linked low sexual function to finding it hard to talk about sex with a partner. A 2017 follow-up paper looked at lack of interest lasting 3 months or more in the past year. It found it in 34.2% of women and 15.0% of men.

Desire and relationship length have been studied mostly in young mixed-sex couples. In a 2002 study of 1,865 German students, women in longer partnerships reported lower desire, and men did not. A 2012 study of 170 undergraduates found the same pattern. The German study looked at one point in time, so it cannot show change within a couple.

Several studies link larger differences to lower satisfaction. A 2014 study of 1,054 married couples measured each person's gap between the sex they wanted and the sex they had. Bigger gaps went with lower relationship satisfaction and more conflict. A 2012 study of 133 university couples found similar links. Its authors suggested focusing on the couple, not on "one partner with low desire." The ESSM notes that findings on outcomes conflict, with some studies reporting negative effects and some positive ones.

The communal strength studies are small and detailed. In a 2013 study, Muise and colleagues followed 44 long-term couples for 21 days and again after four months. People higher in communal strength kept their desire over those months, while desire in others declined. A 2019 study looked at 97 couples in which a woman had a diagnosis of female sexual interest/arousal disorder. Her higher communal strength went with higher satisfaction for both partners.

A 2020 study by Vowels and Mark asked 229 people what they did about a desire difference. Strategies done together, such as talking or doing things as a couple, went with higher satisfaction than strategies done alone.

Where are the claims oversold?

Popular advice often names a "normal" amount of sex or a "normal" level of desire. The ESSM says there are no data on how large a gap has to be before it matters. It describes a difference as relative to the couple. Most of the studies above were of mixed-sex couples, often students. Mark's review notes that few studies include sexually diverse couples.

The communal strength research could be misread as a case for going along with unwanted sex. The studies do not say that. In the 2019 study, partners who met the other's needs while neglecting their own reported more sexual distress.

Aphrodisiacs are a separate claim. A 2015 review by West and Krychman looked at about 50 articles on natural sexual enhancers. It found that randomized trial data were often lacking. For some, including yohimbine and so-called Spanish fly, it said the risks "may outweigh any benefit." For others, such as maca, Tribulus, ginkgo and ginseng, it found only limited early data. It also raised concerns about drug interactions and the purity of products.

What did the therapy trials use?

A 2013 meta-analysis by Fruhauf and colleagues pooled 20 randomized trials of psychological treatments for sexual problems, published from 1980 to 2009. Each compared a treatment with a waiting list. Compared with waiting lists, the treatments had moderate effects on symptoms and on sexual satisfaction, with wide variation between trials. The authors found good evidence for women's low desire, but the trials were not about differences between partners.

Sensate focus, a set of touching exercises for couples, was developed by the researchers Masters and Johnson. A 2019 review by Avery-Clark and colleagues calls it effective but gives no effect sizes. A 2024 trial gave 35 heterosexual couples in China online sensate focus videos to follow at home, compared with a waiting list. It found some benefits still present after 3 months.

Mindfulness programs have been tested by Brotto's group in women with low sexual interest. A 2025 trial, eSense, randomized 129 women to two online programs or a waiting list. Each group had about 43 women. One program was based on mindfulness and one on cognitive behavioral therapy. Both beat the waiting list, and the gains largely held at follow-up. These were treatments for one person, not for couples. The abstracts we read do not give the number or length of sessions.

What do the warnings say?

The NHS lists many things that can lower sex drive. They include relationship problems, stress, anxiety and depression, pregnancy and a new baby, and lower hormone levels with age, especially menopause. Some medicines, including antidepressants, blood pressure medicines and hormonal contraception, are also on its list. So are alcohol and long-term conditions such as diabetes, heart disease and an underactive thyroid. The NHS says to see a GP if a medicine may be affecting desire, or if desire does not return after pregnancy.

Questions to Ask Your Doctor

• Could any of my medicines be lowering my desire?
• Could a hormone change, such as menopause or low testosterone, be part of this?
• Could depression, anxiety or stress be affecting my interest in sex?
• Could pain or another physical problem be playing a part?
• Can you refer us to a sex therapist or couples counselor?

Questions People Ask

Is a difference in desire a disorder?

Not on its own, according to the ESSM, which says it has no official diagnosis. The diagnoses for low desire in the DSM-5 require at least 6 months of symptoms and significant distress. A 2018 review by Clayton and colleagues says about 36% to 39% of women report low desire. Only 8% to 10% also meet the criteria.

Does desire always fade in long relationships?

The studies do not show that it always does. The student studies found lower desire in women in longer relationships. The German one measured a single moment, not change over time. In Muise's 2013 study, people high in communal strength kept their desire over four months. The ESSM says partners' desire "may diverge as the relationship develops."

Are women more likely than men to report low desire?

Natsal-3 data found women more likely than men to report lacking interest for 3 months or more. But in the 2012 study of 133 couples, the gender differences within couples were not significant. Mark and Murray suggested looking at the couple rather than at one partner, and few studies so far have included same-sex couples.

Does talking about it make a difference?

The studies point in that direction but cannot prove it. In Natsal-3, finding it hard to talk about sex with a partner went with lower sexual function. In the 2020 study of 229 people, strategies used together went with higher satisfaction. Both studies looked at one point in time, so the direction of cause is not known.

For the wider picture, see our overview, Sexual health basics, from the research.

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The Healing Spot reports published research for general information. It is not medical advice and does not replace a doctor, who knows your history. Talk to a qualified clinician before you start, stop or change any treatment, supplement or practice. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call 911 or your local emergency number.